Lessons I have learnt from friendships.

When I was younger in secondary school precisely, I was a loner. In some ways I still think I am but back then these reasons are why I believe I was one.

1. Being raised by disciplined parents. My dad was the strict one amongst them and while my mom was softer, and slower with using the rod, I believe they both contributed to disciplining my brothers and I, and to shaping a part of who we are today.

2. My personality. Imagine a curious but naive, conservative, always sitting in the corner and never talking to anyone type of girl. Yep! That was me. I also didn't like to get into trouble though I was very stubborn, was very terrified of canes, fascinated by the teenage chaos around me and was for the most part, nonchalant.

3. How I view association of any sort. I saw associations in 2 ways. The way my mother saw them and the way I did. These were;

I. It wouldn't be bad to associate with them. They look like the type of girls I would like to be and would want to be around.

II. I can't associate with them because they are bad people. I was already given a list that I planned to follow. 

I will leave you to guess which was which. In as much as I was a loner, I was never alone.

I don't remember much from primary school but In junior secondary school, I remember I had one friend. Dark, short, loud mouthed and full of wit Akinshe. Ah, I loved her! She was my companion and together we were the short and slim, big and tall duo. I could go on and on about our life together but I wouldn't want to bore you. Besides, they are my memory to keep. 

She was my friend for most of junior secondary and through senior secondary though during that time people came in and went out of my life. The fair-skinned, no nonsense Amaka from the east who I liked to converse with because she was older and at the time wiser. Lean and proud Freeman who had more than enough feisty spirit and a mouth to back it up. And then in ss2, J, Vee and I who later went on to form a clique (or I joined their circle I guess because they were really close). And with the clique, I had fun!

As an adult who now has more experience with people, I have discovered that things are a little different. I have discovered that I have issues and people also have issues. I have discovered that friendship is in its own way beautiful as it is tidious. I have met people who I thought were interesting but later found out that wasn't my best display of good judgement. I have equally met people who I took for granted and till this day regret how I left things with them. And people who I have connected so deeply with either overtime or instantly. In fact, it's indeed been a wonderful journey.

In today's blog post, I want to share the lessons I have learnt from this form of relationship. Lessons I find them note worthy.

As you get older, finding friends becomes harder and keeping them even more. 

When I was younger, it was easier to find 'friends'. It was as easy as saying hi to someone because you lived in the same neighborhood and attended the same school, exchanging smiles because you sat next to the same person (like I and Akinshe), sharing notes with a random classmate or even talking about the next harlequin I'd get from the man who sells books by the road side to my fellow book lover SoSo who sat in the front role. Keeping them was a piece of cake as well because this ease was routine. People were all-around and there wasn't the term 'toxic people' or 'being conscious of who I let into my life' flying around then. So blissfully blinded, we were locking hands and swinging around. 

Now because of individual experiences, upbringing and heightened awareness, you see things you weren't supposed to. Now it goes from "Kelechi is such a beggy beggy..." to "Kelechi is a selfish and greedy girl. I pray I never need her help because she will not help me" Or "Nnanna always squints his eyes when he talks to girls" to "that Nnanna is a flirt! Very soon he will sleep with the whole world and catch all the diseases" or "this monica is so bad for my mental health!". And then this translates into you staying on your own or looking out for new 'real' people because your eyes have been open and now you want peace and for bad energy to stay away. Now you're skeptical, paranoid even. You are aware of the hatred people carry, you are more sensitive to who you let into your life and then meeting people becomes a checklist exercise. 

This I believe is normal as it is human nature to want the best for ourselves. And skepticism and curiosity is one way to find what it is. Unfortunately, It is harsh reality of adult friendships (and relationships) which in my opinion benefits us all because you no longer entertain anything short of what you also want to be entertained by.

You'll start to see a difference between acquaintances and friendship. 

This was by far the hardest lesson I had to learn. Which was hard because I thought I "lacked friends" and I wanted more than anything to fill that void, so I took in anybody. I wanted someone to call, to tell all of my jokes and to gist with, to even cry with because I am such a cry baby. In all truth, these wants are perfectly normal to have. To want to have your own people, to want to pay them visits, to eat food with them, to go out with them, to talk about failures and successes with them is a really good thing. However, it's very easy to get carried away by wants. 

These wants can give way to desperation and before you know it, you're friends with people you were just supposed to wave to or to just be on neutral grounds with. Friendships should be intentional and not out of convenience. Understand what a person needs to possess to be your friend and take note of it in people. If they don't fall in line, acquaintances it is. Bakare going to the same church as you or Oma braiding your hair doesn't make them friends. Extending your hand of kindness is important and expected but understand that some people are just supposed to know that and nothing deeper. This isn't because you're better than them but because your values doesn't align with theirs and your views on life and even behaviours once collided will eventually crash. Avoid had I know please!

You learn valuable life lessons. 

With friendships, I have also learnt open mindedness. I have learnt that you can find this form of relationship in different people, especially those you never expect. I am learning contentment and commitment. This looks like not expecting them to be somebody else or to 'upgrade' and accepting them for who they are. I am learning tolerance and patience because human beings sha get their own for body. I am getting to know people not just because of what value they bring me but because I genuinely want to be with them. To learn what they like, what they dream of, what pains they feel and go through and how I can help them. These are values that help you become a better and more compassionate human being.

You'll make mistakes in friendship because you're dealing with people not Barbie dolls.

I have made my own fair share of mistakes in friendships and didn't realize it until it was too late. In a certain friendship, I dealt with things too rashly and I said what I shouldn't have said. Thankfully, here are lessons from that. Their bad blood isn't yours to inherit. The least you can do is listen to them and help them make sense of it. Don't add fuel to fire. 

Treat them how you want to be treated. Respect them, honour the bond between you and your individual boundaries. Never push them to the side when you have a new friend or neglect them because you're in a relationship or are reading a new book. Never assume they understand or will or should. While there are instances where their understanding is required, they do not exist in your mind so relate to them all you think is important especially things you find uncomfortable. Tell them you love them often and if you miss them tell them that too.

Help them be good friends to you by letting them know when they fall short. It's important to let them know when you can't give your all because we all have moments when we truly can't. Don't put a strain on your relationship. Reconcile as fast as you can and stop keeping track of who says sorry or how many sorrys they have said. If it can't be 'solved', settle amicably. Some friendships will come and go and no matter how painful it is, you have to make peace with that. 

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Thankfully, in life, things are not always black and white. There are loop holes and gray areas in all angles. I might not know the basis of some friendships in your life or what your relationship entails but these are lessons I recommend you learn for you to have a beautiful relationship with people who you have chosen to be with. I hope you find this post useful and that you're able to make wiser decisions as regards friendships. 

If you have an opposing view or something you would like to share, leave them in the comments. I would love to hear them. 

Anyways, see y'all next week!