SUCCESS AND INFLUENCE; 3 WAYS TO ACHIEVE TRUE SUCCESS

 Interestingly enough, success and influence as a concept is one of the things that now determines our worth as people in society. Be it unintended or not, It has over time placed us in stratum with regards to status and has in many eyes given us some sort of quality. Whether or not this should be, is really up to individual perspective but it is undoubtedly a topic in need of discussing.

While working on a chore last week, I decided to listen to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts. Half-way through the episode, the subject of money or rather the power of influence and success in this day and age, came up. It was comforting to hear the relatable and somewhat new opinions on the subject. And In today's article, I am going to give my own unsolicited Kobo.

If you've been following this blog (which you should be doing–pls), you'll know that I attribute a lot of my knowledge to my experience (especially those from my younger days), and today is going to be nothing short of that. When I was younger, success to me was not being a failure. Whatever that meant. It was the dreams of riding a good car, living in a good house with help at my every beck and call because I hated doing chores, working for myself, being able to provide for me and my family and finally being able to move out of my parents house and travel the world. It was not failing my exams–emphasis on not failing because getting and retaining the 13th position, in senior secondary school, in a class of over 30 students was "success" (go nonchalance!). It was not being flogged because I passed mathematics. Success was being a typical face value good girl. Which in all fairness is what success may look like to some–being comfortable, provided for and doing the required minimum to survive.

Some of what success meant to me still applies today, but as a concept, it was at the time foreign to me. And as a result, I struggled.

Today, my Kobo will consist of what I believe success should be, what I believe it shouldn't be and how to save yourself from the dark hole.

• SUCCESS AND INFLUENCE, A CONCEPT AND HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE DARK HOLE.

So back to what inspired today's topic. In this particular episode of the podcast, games were being played and one of the questions asked to one of the two guests (guest 1 and guest 2) was "what is your most embarrassing money moment?" Or something like that. Guest 2 went on to narrate an event she felt was guest 1's embarrassing money moment. It happened on a group trip and their boss, who's according to them is crazy rich, was just being his rich indulgent self. Guest 1 was embarrassed and intimated by this because he had way less money, so he retreated into his shell. Guest 2 said she could barely recognize him. 

This story hits so close to home for me because I have been in this kind of situation myself, and not just in real life but also on social media. I have been on the socials for a while now. As a result, I have been exposed to a myriad of content and as it is with anything some of them were good and some bad. 

I would scroll endlessly on my time line and see people traveling like they're drinking water, eating at luxurious places, wearing insanely priced clothes, talking about the 6 figures sitting in their bank accounts amongst other things, and that would make me feel like such a loser, like such a failure! This made me question my worth, and then I'd cry and berate myself for being so "stagnant" because these people were in their flipping late teens to early 20s as was I. Next thing I know I'm depressed (in the dark hole) and still scrolling on social media. Like I said in the beginning, I struggled. As my episodes went on, I thankfully started seeing the problem. Not only was I being "influenced" to buy stuff they were advertising, I was also ruled by the lifestyle they presented. A lifestyle I didn't live but very much wanted. It became glaring that my mind had been just too weak to be in that space. To protect myself from the hole, I took these steps 

(Disclaimer: These are methods that worked for me then and still work till today. They are not professional advice!).

I. A social media cleanse. It was one of the things that unintentionally happened after I sincerely gave my life to Christ. I realized that the content these people were creating was no longer serving me, but rather plagued my mind in such an ungodly manner, so I unfollowed a good number of them for my peace and progress.

II. Change of mindset and association. What's really funny is that l was following a lot of people in the wellness niche who would give affirmations that are supposed to stir up your insides but I would feel completely empty even after repeatedly chanting them. This is to say that your source (mine is God; a story for another day), your mindset and who you associate with are of great importance. Do not trivialize them.

III. Blocking out the noise by fixating on things that can strengthen your mind. For me, it was and still is fixating on the things of God.

IV. Taking breaks from social media, especially if it's too much to handle. Stop crowding your mind with these "content" and allow yourself space to breathe. You won't miss anything important.

Success and influence are such potent drugs that can intoxicate even the strongest mind. And with the times that we are in, it's even more 'effective'. We have transitioned from a time when we barely knew anything about the neighbor downstairs to a time where we're seeing him dancing and spraying money on TikTok, having a lot of followers, doing all these things that he realistically shouldn't be able to do at his young age of 21, etc. It could even be that he is one of the lucky ones like the guests' boss who has made genuine money, young and because we are able to see them in their element due to social media, our un-trained minds can't take it. Moreover, the successful and influential, whether they intend for it to be so or not, are creating the avenue for the comparison play they so tell us not to be a part of and directly or indirectly shaping the minds of individuals who consume their content. 

Are they to blame for this? Is success or Influence a bad thing? Not necessarily. But we can't deny that it is now woven so tightly into our culture and is doing anything but inspire some. Should they stop being successful or influential? Definitely not. That's why you have to deal with this on your own. Build a system that helps you withstand it. As long as you're in touch with the real world, you always have an encounter with the successful and influential, so build a resolve wouldn't succumb to the pulls of the dark hole.

• WHAT SUCCESS SHOULD'NT BE.

When I was in senior secondary school 2, I was asked what I wanted to study at the university. I said medicine along with several others in my friendship group. My then English and chemistry teachers laughed at me and mocked me for it. According to them, I wasn't even supposed to be in sciences in the first place because I had made the "mistake" of sending my writings (I used to write when I was much younger) to my English teacher to correct them for me.

I was gifted she said and I shouldn't be wasting my talent in pure sciences. Of course, I be coconut head so NO. 

At the time, I felt belittled, ridiculed and insulted so I decided by all means to prove them wrong and chase after it. I wrote my first jamb and with a score of almost 250 I applied for nursing at the university of Nigeria, Nsukka. Long story short, I didn't get in so I had to re-sit jamb and apply for a "low grade" course because I was tired of staying at home. This one experience sums up all of what I know success shouldn't be.

1. YOU CAN'T ACHIEVE TRUE SUCCESS IF YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE A POINT. Your motives are very important when thinking of achieving success with anything. Medicine wasn't what I wanted to study–sciences even. To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted to study at that age! I wasn't the kid that had passion for any career. I was the kid that wore different attires for career day because my parents could afford them (thankfully) and I could care less. Knowing what I know now, I would have done a very bad job if I had gone down that part, but to prove a point at the detriment of myself, I went for the sciences. You won't achieve true success if you're trying to prove a point. Here's another instance.

We are all on Instagram and TikTok and we know what lengths boys who's girlfriend dumped them because they were broke go to just to "pepper" their ex-babes. Even girls give the same "pappering" to ex-boyfriends who dumped them for whatever reason in the form of "glow ups". All to prove a point! I know this sounds like ridiculous examples, but they are the closest ones I can think of that plague our society today. You might get the results, but who truly suffers the brunt? You or them? Most importantly, is the brunt really worth suffering? True success should be the feeling of satisfaction and the glaring results of hard work after a task. Would you really feel successful afterwards or pettiness towards the other person and resentment towards yourself when all is done.

2. INDIVIDUAL SUCCESS SHOULDN'T BE COLLECTIVE. When something that concerns you personally–which could quite frankly define or damage your future/life, e.g. a course to study at Uni or whom to marry is the subject matter, it's rather unrealistic to allow yourself be Influenced by the influx of information or "advice" passed around by different people. Be it parents, teachers, friends, etc. It's risky to depend upon the collective in these aspects of life. Everybody will definitely follow different paths.

In my case, for example, I didn't have any course in mind to study so I allowed the choices of my friends to influence mine. I allowed our talks of storming each other's wedding as persons of medicine and the respect we would garner as women spraying dollars (like Nigeria isn't owing doctors their salaries till date) to be a determinant of my course of study. Can you imagine the basis of the decision I was making about something as crucial as what I was going to be studying which should put food on my table and eventually give me fulfillment in life. Please don't do this. Make sure that whatever life determining decisions you are making are done with as little outside noise as possible and not based on trivial things to avoid problems.

P.S; Whatever information/advice you get from whoever might not necessarily be a bad or even good so it's important that you check in with yourself and your values so you're on the right track. Understand? Ok, let's continue.

• SUCCESS SHOULD BE.

1. SUCCESS SHOULD FLEXIBLE. It is very possible and even encouraged, to pivot when you've started out with something completely different thing. This doesn't make you a failure or someone who's lagging behind, and if you think like this you probably need a mindset cleanse. Success could be starting out in commerce, seeing no fulfillment in it and then flipping to the arts (sorry, I am very biased).

The idea of change shouldn't be unpleasant. As we know, it is a constant of life. It is very likely that your values and the things you consider "success" can in the space of time change. Isn't it more fulfilling that you give your all and thrive in a different industry than stay stunted, limited and basically "managing the one you see" in the one you started out with? Unfortunately, it is a very Nigerian mentality to manage the one you see but just like Ben Carson, dream big! Explore! Success shouldn't just be about earning money but also about gaining fulfillment in whatever you set out to do. It could even be living with just enough, but living life with such fluidity. Or having 'too much' but with so much fulfillment.

2. SUCCESS SHOULD BE LISTENING TO OTHERS. Listen! I am a correct Nigeria girl. An Igbo babe for that matter so I will always make reference to my roots. My people say that what an elder sees sitting down, a child, even if he climbs the Iroko tree won't be able to see it. This roughly translates to "the young are by default myopic and sometimes in need of direction by their elders to do well". It's not only a controversial quote as people have diverse opinions regarding it, but it is also a clear depiction of the point I am trying to make. Nothing is new under the sun and as such there are people who have existed or still exist that have threaded and are still threading down the path you are choosing to go. Success is on the other side of heeding to their words/instructions, seeking them out when you stumble upon a problem or need insight, bending your back over to learn from them, etcetera. You know where to find them whether living or dead. 

I know that this could be seen as a contradiction to point 2 on what success shouldn't be but, it is intentional. You should not only sift through the noise, but also tune your ears to hear truths. Truths serve you and not someone else's purpose or desires. That's what listening to an elder who wants the best for you does for you.

3. SUCCESS SHOULD BE TAKING YOUR TIME TO MAKE DECISIONS AND LETTING THINGS GO. There are people who keep at a particular thing even when it isn't working because they believe it will be a shame for people to see them give up entirely or switch to something they are more capable of handling. Don't get me wrong, there is beauty in not giving up and the end thereof could be sweet success but it could also be draining bitterness. There has got to be a point at which you evaluate your options and decide to stop and to do something a "little less tasking" or don't do them at all. There is no pride in suffering. I am even going to be cheesy and say it's rather brave to choose yourself over what anybody else thinks or not (because most of them aren't even concerned about you, my friend. It's all in your head). To relieve yourself of the mental toll of showing up everyday to something that simply doesn't work for you and might not fulfill you or those around you in anyway because at the end of the day, na you dey wear the shoe. Success lies in the journey and at the end and I can guarantee that if the journey isn't fulfilling, the end most definitely won't. It's also important to know when you need more time to make a decision or to review your decisions as well as when to give up completely. Success lies in both.

I will close with this; Success and influence are GOOD but success in anything, be it done by you or others shouldn't determine your worth. If it does, failure or delay will also determine your worth. What should however be a qualifier of your worth are your core values, both intrinsic or learned.